


Beautiful

by keep_waking_up



Series: Beautiful Verse [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Always-a-Girl!Sam, Angst, Confused sexuality, F/M, Genderbending, Incestuous feelings, Masturbation, Porn Watching, slight exhibitionism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-17
Updated: 2013-04-17
Packaged: 2017-12-08 18:54:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/764846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keep_waking_up/pseuds/keep_waking_up
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam has always known her brother is beautiful.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Beautiful

Sam had always known her brother was beautiful. Constant exposure and familiarity did nothing to dim her conviction. Her brother was beautiful, all full lips and tan muscle and green eyes surrounded by thick lashes. Despite his best efforts to downplay it, he was gorgeous in a way few boys were, almost pretty. Next to him, she was gawky and plain. She was convinced he attracted more men than she did with a simple flash of that crooked, cocky smirk. Yes, her brother was beautiful and that's why he would leave her alone in the bar for thirty or forty minutes soon so he could go screw the pretty bartender with long blonde hair and perky pink-tinted breasts who'd been eyeing him since the moment he'd come in. He'd saunter back in when he was done, perching on the stool next to her smelling of musk and clean sweat. He'd ruffle Sam's hair and regale her with far too much detail about his exploits, and something would coil up in her stomach as she listened. Later that evening, she would toss and turn in her bed before falling into dreams that nearly mirrored what he'd told her. She'd wake up in the morning and glare at his head, dozing on the bed next to hers. At school, she'd convince the pretty blonde cheerleader from her English class to meet her under the bleachers during lunch and she'd wash away her dreams with experiences of her own. 

She couldn't decide if it was Dean's fault because he was beautiful or Dean's fault because he couldn't keep his sex life to himself. Either could potentially be held responsible for her screwed up sexuality. She chose instead to blame their father, because she was sixteen and everything else wrong with her was his fault. And that was what she yelled at him when he found her making out with the girl they'd just saved from a ghost. Your fault, she said, and she dreams that night about Dean's expression when he'd stumbled upon the two girls. 

Her brother fidgets around her for the next couple of days, sidelong glances that she relishes, before bringing it up.

"So, uh, you into girls now?" he stares straight ahead as he drives her home from school, the Impala's steering wheel clenched between his hands. She wonders if he's replaying it in his head, his little sister wrapped up in another girl's lips, body. She shivers at the thought.

She shrugs, because she doesn't really know how to explain it and she's not feeling like talking much. Then she realizes he can't see her, so she says, "Sort of."

He shoots her a look of surprise, but leaves it alone. That's not the end of it, she knows, and isn't surprised when he offers her a beer that night. And then another. 

She giggles and leans against him as they watch some generic horror movie in which blonde cheerleaders always die. "Are you trying to get me drunk?"

He is, but instead of admitting it, he snorts and sucks down some more Jack Daniels. "Just 'cause you're some kind of crazy lightweight..." He lets it trail off and she lets him get away with it. "Wanna watch some porn?" 

This would be a strange request, but Sam's been watching porn with her brother since she was ten and he'd developed a fascination with boobs. Seeing as they shared a bedroom, and Dean was anything but discrete, it was kinda unavoidable. Nowadays, they only watch together when they're bored and drunk. She hasn't actually been in the room when Dean got off in years. Three of them. 

"Dude." She slouches further into the sofa, poking absentmindedly at the indentation of her bellybutton. "You've got shit taste in porn." Its always just boring screwing around with bad dirty talk and worse fake orgasms. She's not that much of a girl, she doesn't need plot or any of the romcom crap, but she is a fan of quality and finesse, something her brother has never bothered with. 

Tugging at a strand of her hair, he grins hopefully and says, "I got this one special for you, Sammy. Come on, it'll be fun."

She doubts it, but she waves him on, letting him pop the DVD in. He settles back in beside her and she breathes in the scent of his battered leather jacket for a minute before the content of the video registers and she elbows him in the gut. "Fuck's this?"

He raises his eyebrows and glances back at the screen where a busty redhead is currently eating out a tiny blonde chick with ridiculously tan skin. "Uh, its porn, Sammy."

"Lesbian porn," she corrects and adds "Sam" as an afterthought. Not that he hasn't watched girl-on-girl action in front of her before, but not since she'd bought her first bra and he'd realized she WAS a girl. 

He shrugs, sneaking wary glances at her. "I just figured you'd be into it, seeing as you're, ya know, lesbian and all."

She hits him hard in the head, well, as hard as she can with a pillow, and then storms off to her room. She listens through her wall, and isn't surprised to hear him getting off, loudly, only a few minutes later.

She makes a point of letting Dean find her blowing the young owner of a local motorcycle joint the next town they're in. The day after that, she flirts like crazy, flirts like Dean, with their hot seventeen year old waitress. Dean nearly dislocates his jaw, and her dad practically has a fit when he yells at her after. She feels smug and rebellious, so she sneaks out to her friend Jenny's house and gets her tongue pierced. When her dad notices, she is grounded for two months. If he hadn't taught her to be so stealthy, that might've been a problem.

After that, Dean watches her a bit more closely than before. Sam preens under the attention, but snaps at him because it is so fucking annoying. The next time he goes to a strip club, he doesn't bring her along, so she brings her friend Greg back to their place and convinces him to screw her on the sofa. The strangled sound Dean makes when he comes in might be her favorite reaction yet.

"What's gotten into you?" he asks, plain and direct, as he drives her to school the next day. 

Staring out the window, she tries to swallow her grin. "What'd you mean?"

He groans, uncomfortable talking, and it makes her giddy. "Like, you've been really-" He's let out a huff of breath and shakes his head back and forth. "You're not like me, Sam, but all of a sudden you're all, ya know-"

"Slutty?" She pretends she's offended. "What, you're allowed to do it and I'm not?"

He takes a couple of deep breaths and she can tell he's getting serious. "You're not like this Sam. You're not like me." He squirms in his seat and she stares at the flutter of his eyelashes. "I don't care who you like or whatever, but-"

"Good," she cuts him off, sick to her stomach. "'Cause its none of your business."

"Sam," he whines but she pulls her hood up over her head and buries herself in a book. If he can't figure it out, its his own fault. 

The next hotel they're in, all three of them share a room. She debates about having a threesome on Dean's bed while he and her dad are out hunting, but decides that might be overdoing it. 

This time when Dean tries to get her drunk (and he really must be getting desperate, to try the same thing twice), she pops in some quality guy-on-guy porn. "Gross, Sam!" he says, but refuses to stalk off until she starts unbuttoning her jeans. Then his eyes get so big she worries they might never return to normal size again and he is out of the room like a speeding bullet. She giggles feverishly as she realizes this time he will be the one listening to her get off in the next room.

He steers clear of her for two weeks after that one. 

Sam's nearing seventeen when he finally cottons on.

He finds her with a pretty little redhead and the redhead's boyfriend in her room. For a second he just looks at her, then he sighs. "Get out," he tells them, and they scamper. He watches them go, impassive, and then locks the door behind them. "Sam," he says and she shivers, fully aware that she doesn't have a shirt on. "Sam. Are you doing this for me?" 

Ducking her head, she fiddles with the strap on her bra. "What'd you mean?" 

"Fuck Sam!" And she flinches at the exasperation in his voice. "Gimme a little credit here and stop playing stupid. Are you doing all this crazy shit for me?"

She doesn't reply, which is an answer in and of itself.

"Jesus Sam." He rubs the back of his neck before running the same hand through his hair. "Why?"

"I wanted you to know how it feels," she tells him, while her heart stutters in her chest.

He throws his hands in the air. "What the hell does that mean?"

Raising her head, she looks him in the eye for the first time in what feels like months. "I wanted you to know how it feels," she repeats, slowly and emphatically. She watches as the lightbulb goes off and horror dawns. Only then does she look away.

"You were trying to make me jealous," he says, and he couldn't be more right. "But it can't be," his voice wavers as it goes on, turns pleading, "It can't be for the reasons I think, right Sammy? It wasn't because-" His hand settles on her knee as he kneels beside her and she turns her head and kisses him.

It only lasts a minute. "No, Sammy," he says.

"Sam," she corrects him and flees the hotel, coming back far too late to an irate father and a brother who's out of his mind with worry and guilt. She ignores him, and continues doing so until a year or so later, when they stand outside the bus station as she leaves for Stanford. Pretty green eyes filled with desperation, he kisses her hard. This time, she pushes him away. "Not good enough," are her final words to him, before she walks away. 

When they’re reunited years later, she’d almost forgotten her brother was beautiful.


End file.
